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For the most part, my clothes were dry when I walked into Stanley park. Then as it rained more and more, I started to head back. The stairs leading up out of it took a long time to get out of. The dim weather was starting to clock into my brain as I went up those steps. My clothes were getting wetter and wetter, and my hair was dripping with rain. Even my shoes were getting the worst of me, being painful and me feeling bitter about it. The music playing in my head helped to distract me from the obvious feeling of being lost in a city. I skipped several songs, including The Cureapos;s Wish, and Bright Eyes apos;A Perfect Sonnetapos;, that were too boring and annoyingly sad to� pursue on my mp3 player. The Dandy Warholsapos; apos;Sleepapos; was probably the most hypnotic track I had on it.

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You ladies are amazing.� Two different perspectives and I so needed both.

*loves*

I decided to do another four weeks of the programme.� Iapos;m stopping when I reach goal or at the end of the 4 weeks whichever comes first.� I will do three months of maintenance.

I revised my goal to 140lbs (to take into account the probable 5lbs of belly I will need removed eventually.� The surgery might be covered under MSP given my "extreme" total weight-loss.

I fee good about this decision.� It is right for me.

*mwah*

I adore you both.

Thanks so much

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Part of life is being able to identify yourself, and be able to know about yourself. You spent 24 hours a day with yourself, after all. How can you not know about yourself? Well, it happens. The strangest thing in life, is that people care so much about someone else, everyone else, that they lose track of themselves.

Iapos;m not going to get into specifics, just because it would be rude to, but I just want people to hear my words and hopefully share them with others.

You are you. No matter what else happens. You can either admit to that, and live your life, or you can deny that, and live someone elseapos;s life. But if youapos;re caught in the middle, and donapos;t know who you are, youapos;re going to get squished, like a grape. And getting squished sucks.

Okay, okay, so I stole a bit of that from the Karate Kid, but itapos;s good advice. Be who you are, or be someone else, but at least know who you are. Admit it. Live it. Love it. Or the consequences will be dire.

This message will self destruct on September 9, 2001.
Oops I did it again. XD

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O.A.R, oftewel Of A Revolution, is al meer dan tien jaar bezig met muziek maken. Toch zijn ze buiten de Verenigde Staten volkomen onbekend, en hebben ze nog geen echte hit gescoord. Met hun nieuwste single "Shattered" van hun album All Sides komt die hit misschien wel. Het nummer heeft alles in zich om uit te groeien tot een internationale topper. Behalve de prachtige intro, de mooie clip en goede zanger, is het ook nog eens erg radiovriendelijk.

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dan and cuse

Iapos;ve had such a hard time sorting through my feelings lately. I know that when Isabelle first picked up Ash at the club a long time ago....I was not jealous, but...mad...I guess.lol. But then more recently I realized it could be used to our� advantage because she is really cute On Sunday night we went out to Babylon with her for the first time and she invited us back to her house with her roomie to play Guitar Hero...and we ended up staying til 5:30am I know she already likes Ashley, but I was worried about if I could get her to like me too. Lol. Ash thinks she does because apparently when I was playing Guitar Hero she was giving me looks that said "I wanna jump you" Nothing happened that night but Ash and I have formulated a conclussion that we want it to. We have a goal. Lol. A threesome with Isabelle definitly sounds like a great idea...even both of us getting to know her in a relationship sorta way....but the three of us. We both agree that we donapos;t want it to be separate. The only problem now is whether or not Isabelle will want to have a threesome with us. She is kinda hard to read I mean, it seems like sheapos;s into the both of us...but I dont know.

It gives me euphoric butterflies in my tummy...the whole thrill of meeting someone new and getting to know them...and knowing that Ash is right there with me, having the same feelings but loving me just as much as ever.

My sister, of course, thinks its a horrible idea. She thinks I am helping Ashley find someone else that she might fall in love with. She says itapos;s like throwing her infront of a bus. I really donapos;t see it that way. I know that Ash loves me and we are perfect together, and I donapos;t feel like she would leave me, or want to be with JUST someone else and not me.

And besides, why CANT you be with more than one person?? I can picture me and Ash living with a third person who we both like, and they like us...like a small family. It doesnapos;t change how Ash and I feel about each other and it DOESNapos;T mean that Ash isnapos;t enough for me at all. I donapos;t see it as a matter of needing more, I see it more as finding feelings in different places not LOOKING for them. I dunno

Anyways, I guess we shall see what the coming weeks bring. For now, itapos;s sort of like a rollar coaster.

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Heh..... Today didnapos;t go as planned again. Well, thanks to those awesome friends who can help me have fun and keep my mind of this troublesome matter. And big thanks to Isabella for telling me something that makes me feel like reconsidering. Ignorance is not bliss. I agree. But sometimes you just wished that that piece of knowledge just didnapos;t exist. Is is to far to turn back? Or was it even close to begin with? I donapos;t know.

To the other "friends". Initiative�and�encouragement�are�always welcomed. I find it hard to talk to someone who always has something to shoot you with. You may think that you have the upper hand, but youapos;re just really dumb and irritating. A listening ear is always good to. Do you know what friends are for?

On a lighter note, I got my first paycheck today. And all I pull of is a weak smile. Heh.....�Well,�itapos;s good to know that Iapos;m not alone in this. Although I rather not be in this situation.�I also have no idea how to check�my paycheck�in.

Pull yourself together, Walk on and Smile. Easy? I want it to be.

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Love will stare you straight in the eye and tell you that everything is fine. But by the time youapos;ve blinked itapos;s fucked things up again.

For a while, I honestly did believe it. Everything seemed so perfect, time stood still at times and I was left speechless. We shared some really great times together, I miss them days.

I canapos;t go on with the way things are now, But I just hope that one day, Maybe you will see sense and we can try again.

The last few days havent been at all easy for me, I havent slept in about 36 hours :/.

Iapos;m getting wound up about the littlest things, And keep flying off the handle as a result.
Iapos;ve torn one drum stool to shreds because I was so pissed off already, and just generally wrecked things left right and centre.
Iapos;m so frustrated itapos;s untrue. Every so often I calm down and think Iapos;m coping, but the reality is that Iapos;m not. Everything is still eating away at me and I canapos;t escape it.

I donapos;t know how much longer I can really carry on like this, and itapos;s only been a couple of days.

This is so fucked up. One of the only good things I had left in my life right now got taken away from me in the blink of an eye, And I canapos;t do a thing about it.
He doesnt realise what the fuck he has caused. Heapos;s taken away somebody who meant the world to me so he can take advantage, and nothing else. How can you call him your friend if heapos;s just dragging you down into a drug filled hell and taking advantage of you?

If I manage to get through this, Iapos;ll get my own back one day.

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Sorry for all of the confusion. I wrote the previous entry while tired and on a controlled substance. But no, weapos;re not pregnant. Today is registration day for Hood to Coast, the largest relay race in the world. As team captain, I send in a check and then wait a few weeks to see if it gets cashed. If it does, then weapos;ll be in and then Iapos;ll start assembling our team (hence the 12 people).

Trust me, when weapos;re pregnanat, I wonapos;t be obtuse about it

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I want you to want me. Plain and simple. Just like that. I donapos;t know why. Or for how long. All i know is i want you. And�i want you to want me too. I know thereapos;s nothing outstanding about you. But thereapos;s that one thing. Youapos;ve got it. No one else does. Thereapos;s just something about you that makes this all so easy. So perfectly, harmlessly easy. Iapos;ve never had this be easy. Iapos;ve never been able to dedicate myself to one person and one person only. So willingly. So completely. So easily. I just canapos;t help myself. And you may have gotten me wrong. You canapos;t forget i said i didnapos;t know for how long. Iapos;m not saying this is it. This is the one thing every girl dreams of since the day she watches her first Disney movie and dreams of the day her prince will kiss her lips and wake her soul. The day he changes from a beast to a gentleman, from a pauper to a prince. And of all the things you can do you do the one and only thing i canapos;t stand for you to do. You make it so hard on me to figure out where you stand. To figure out what you want from me. Do you just want what we had or is there so much more desire burning in your heart. I know itapos;s there in mine. And this seperation we have just isnapos;t cutting me loose. I still want you. But do you want me? and if so how? do you actually like me? or is it just a lustful exchange like most college follies. Or is it some scheme cooked up by him. Because he didnapos;t like how he and i ended and canapos;t stand to see me happy with someone else. Especially someone he knows. But i canapos;t be completely be blamed for all of that. Although i initiated contact after he and i were through, you lit the fire. Aside from that, i knew i liked you before i even though i liked him. But he was the one there. He was the one i was talking to. And he was the one i ended up with. And i donapos;t want that to be the only reason you donapos;t want me. Because heapos;s such a small, insignificant thing. And i remember that jolt in my heart. The one when you asked me to sleep next to you that night. Right there in that bed i had wanted to sleep in for so long. But it wasnapos;t just the bed that allured me. It was you. You and the thought of waking up next to you. And then when you finally asked me my heart skipped a beat like it missed a step. And i remember that feeling so well because i get it everytime your name lights up my phone. Or i see your picture in my online friends. I just canapos;t explain it. And i know thereapos;s something about you. Something different. And i know you know it about me too. Or knew it. I remember when you told me. I remeber it all so well. Iapos;m something�else. Those were your words. And you said it twice. And i hope itapos;s still drawing you into me. Because iapos;m still hooked on you. Hopelessly devoted. But will you let me in? will you let me know if i should keep hanging on. Just give me a sign. One simple... Easy to read. One something. Anything. Because i want you to want me. And if thereapos;s anything i can do. Anything to egg you on. Because i want you to want me. With every bone in your body. I want you to be able to live without me but just flat out not want to. I want to be the one in your arms and on your mind. I want you to miss me when weapos;re apart but enjoy your time away from me. Because i want you to enjoy nothing better than to see me walking up to you after a day or two days or a week of not seeing each other. I want you want to say hi to me. I want you to talk to me because you have to solidify my existance in your life. I want you to want me. You may not be my forever. But whatapos;s life if you never try. Iapos;m not saying youapos;re my one and only. Iapos;m just saying that right now, right here. I want you. All of you. And no one but you. Until iapos;m full of you. Until youapos;ve satisfied me. And who knows. It may only take a month. Or it may take a lifetime. But weapos;ll never know. Weapos;ll never know if my kids are supposed to have your ridiculous morning hair. Maybe maybe not. But weapos;ll never know. But baby, wonapos;t it be one helluva ride if we try?
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